Christianish – It Doesn’t Quite Sound Christian Because It Isn’t

I only entertain beggars on Thursday morning, first thing in the mornings. We have a preschool on our property and it’s imperative that the folks seeking handouts don’t get the impression that they are welcome to visit anytime and speak to anyone. I ask our staff and volunteers to firmly invite anyone seeking aid to come again on Thursday. I invite them to hang me out to dry by saying something like, “Pastor won’t let us speak to anyone or give anything out. You have to come talk to him first thing on Thursday morning,” implying that I’m a big meanie.

Another time, I may talk about tactics used by beggars. Today, I wanted to share a particular story for a different reason. I had a visitor in my office just before Christmas with a fantastic story. She came at around 11:15, just late enough to be inconvenient. That’s usually on purpose. I invited her into my office to sit and talk.

I make a habit of asking an open-ended question or two and letting folks talk themselves out. I make the time to sit and listen as long as necessary. Sometimes, I’m convinced that I can help in some way, and I do. Sometimes, I’m convinced my help will not be helpful, and I don’t. This often becomes clear quite soon. But, I like to give folks a chance to speak their mind.

This woman was one who didn’t like dead air in conversation. Silence is strong tool in listening to folks sharing their stories. True stories tend to become more consistent within themselves as they’re repeated to fill uncomfortable silence. Lies and distortions tend to get convoluted and details confused with repetition. Her story quickly fell into the later category.

The woman was a fairly well-spoken, clean, well-kempt lady in her late 40s – early 50s with clean clothes, a recently purchase vehicle with temporary tags, and newly done nails. She was dying for four forms of end-stage cancer, had recently move to La Grange from the coast, was homeschooling a special needs child, and unable to find work despite help wanted signs in most windows around town. When she seemed to understand I may not be buying her story, she started to speak a different language.

No she wasn’t exhibiting glossolalia (speaking in tongues). She started to incorporate Christian sounding phrases. I’m going to call this style of speaking Christianish. It doesn’t quite sound Christian, because it isn’t. Now, I’m sure Christians may speak this way from time to time. But, Christianish seeks to convince the hearer that I’m a Christian just like you think I ought to be.

Suddenly, She and her previously unmentioned husband left the coast because they prayed on it. And, having prayed, “God told me to leave, shake the dust off our sandals, because there was nothing for us there. His Spirit had provided all He could.”

She had noticed me noticing her vehicle and wove that artfully into skein of her yarn. “That truck is the perfect vehicle for us. We found it over a month ago. But, the owner wanted too much. So, we prayed on it and claimed it in prayer. God gave us peace over it. The owner called two days ago to accept our offer. It’s a God thing.”

Concerning her apparent good health, she said, “I don’t know how I’m still alive. It must be for my kid. God said He would put a hedge of protection around me. I have a special needs child. He’s slow and he’s got ADD, ADHD, and PTSD. I don’t trust those schools with him, so I keep him at home. He loves Jesus and reads his bible. When, I was pregnant with him, God told be he was going to be special gift. He said this boy was going to be a man after Gods own heart. And, He has a great plan for him.”

When she caught me taking in the quality of her nails, she offered, “Yeah, just had my nails done yesterday. I don’t spend this kind of money on myself. But, a friend gave me money as a birthday gift for me to get these nails. The gift covered most of it. And, I felt like I had to honor her. She’s blessed to be a blessing.”

For the sake of time and space, I’ve distilled this 45 minute conversation down to a few sound bites. Any of the phrases above might be used by Christians. They are not the kind of language we Lutherans would use. The collection represents influences of spiritual enthusiasm, name-it-and-claim-it, prophetic anointing, and others not cited here.

The enthusiasts expect direct revelation from the spirit by feelings, impressions, and actual words of God. These new revelations are treated as equal to or over the Word of God in the Bible. Moreover, the enthusiast sees them as a proof of true Christian faith.

The name-it-and-claim it crowd teaches that the wants of this physical world are just a prayer away. If you pray right, and with adequate faith, God must deliver what you ask. Your lack of faith is the only thing holding you back from forcing God’s hand.

The notion of prophetic anointing requires modern prophecy to be a thing. Then, it encourages mothers to believe themselves to be like Hannah, the mother of Samuel. But, more still, that they are to receive a direct divine promise of their kiddo’s assignment.

Combining these elements of very specific Christian groups together is an odd fit. Along with the unmentioned bits, I was left with a picture of a collector. This woman had gathered Christian expressions and compiled them into a language she could use to convince you that she’s a Christian just like you. Ultimately, it’s just another begging technique like pressing the time on your end to encourage you offer-up “go away” money.

The begging feature here is less important than the way the language works. In isolation, certain expression may sound Christian. But, when the bits don’t fit together and don’t flow from the scriptures, you’re hearing a false Christianity. Maybe it’s a suit for work, a cover for insecurity, or ploy to separate you from your money.

Be wary of the Christianish language.

Rev. Jason M. Kaspar
Mt. Calvary Lutheran Church & Preschool
La Grange, TX