I’m compiling an ever-increasing list of errors, failures, and generally bad advice that rose to prominence in the 20th century. While the list is mostly church-related, there are familial and societal issues mingled in. This topic is more familial with theological undertones. Following are five good standards for young people to find a mate (or having one found for them).
First: Faith & Practice
Coming into the 20th century, the prevailing wisdom for young people was to find a husband or a wife within their church tradition, even within their language group (Wendish, German, Polish, Czech, French, etc.). At the turn of the 21st century, that wisdom faded into a hollow hope. Certainly, you’ve heard some statements like these: “At least they’re a Christian.” “I think they believe.” “They might convert when kids come along.”
An unbeliever or a noncommittal Christian is unlikely to have a proper moral compass either. Husbands and wives are bound closer or separated further from each other by their adherence to God’s law. Dishonesty and unfaithfulness are two major disasters that may be averted by similar faith, practice, and commitment to the faith.
Should we be surprised at the rate of marital failure? Is the lack of families growing up in church any surprise? No, in both cases, this is entirely predictable. Confusion or uncertainty about the church in a marriage will lead to confusion, uncertainty, or, more likely, complete apostasy (abandoning the faith) among any children.
The older course is the better course. A generic believer or Christian isn’t good enough for your kids. They need a suitable mate with a high likelihood of marital success. Young people should look for a mate in the churches of their tradition and of close practice to their own. It’s no secret that a huge church in Houston, Dallas, or San Antonio and a small church in Fayette County are unlikely to gather for worship in similar ways. Encourage the young to look in familiar-sounding and looking churches. There are endless battles in marriage. Every sword we can take out of the hands of a world that hates faithful marriage is worth doing.
Second: Money
The number one cause of divorce in the United States remains money fights and money problems. The value of agreeing on how to manage our money before we earn it can’t be undersold. Along with Dave Ramsey, I suggest that giving, eliminating debt, and saving are the most peaceful ways for couples to manage their finances. Regardless of how, we have to agree on how to manage our money. Well-managed finances in a marriage are actually a tactic in fighting off divorce. It’s another weapon taken out of the world’s hand.
This one has a unique ability to be rectified on the fly. Couples can change the whole trajectory of the marriage or the failure by straightening out finances. Working together towards a common goal helps rebuild trust and intimacy. Fighting off the wolves at the door will steel us in our resolve toward each other.
Third: Kids
How many children will we have? How soon will we try? As an extension of the first point, what church will they attend? How will we be doing schooling? How will we guide them in dating? Disagreements here can easily shipwreck a marriage.
I encourage young people to marry young and have children early. My own life is a predictable, negative example. Waiting to marry and have children can place you outside the biological window. The desire to have children doesn’t automatically agree with God’s blessings in opening and closing the womb.
Modern medicine may be a tool to fight back, but not necessarily always advisedly. There are moral concerns with the unnecessary products of fertility. In some cases, those “products” are fertilized human embryos, you know, living babies, unneeded and presumably frozen in a suspended, unliving state forever.
It’s far simpler to marry well, marry young, and have babies soon.
Fourth: Attraction
He ought to find her pretty. She ought to find him handsome. We often downplay these criteria among Christians. “We should look for what’s inside.” Attraction is far more complex than it looks. However, physical attraction is an inseparable element. It makes a suitable shorthand for the whole of attraction.
Fifth: Submission & Headship
This was largely taboo for discussion among Christians in the mid to late 1900s. Fortunately, Christian gender roles are seeing a resurgence recently. For gals, y’all need to be hunting for a man who’s willing to lead. Leadership is not simply authority; it comes with responsibility. A man doesn’t get to shift blame. His leadership comes with being the sole culprit in our failures.
For the fellas, y’all need to be looking for a woman who can follow and support you. Power struggles within a marriage are a recipe for disaster. This disaster comes to us from the fall into sin. The native sin of the man is to shirk authority. The native sin of the woman is to seize it.
“To the woman He said: ‘I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; In pain you shall bring forth children; Your desire shall be over your husband, And he shall rule over you.”
Then to Adam He said, ‘Because you have heeded the voice of your wife, and have eaten from the tree of which I commanded you, saying, ‘You shall not eat of it’: Cursed is the ground for your sake; In toil you shall eat of it All the days of your life. Both thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you, And you shall eat the herb of the field. In the sweat of your face you shall eat bread Till you return to the ground, For out of it you were taken; For dust you are, And to dust you shall return.’” (Genesis 3:16-19 KNJV)
Bonus: Parental Approval
Yes, your parents do need to approve. It may seem fun or edgy to rebel against their wisdom. It’s not to your benefit. They are God’s gift to you. Some of the stupidity they’re trying to preserve is their own. Your parents want a better life for you than their own.
Older wisdom is often better.
Originally posted at What does this Mean? Blog: https://whatdoesthismean.blog
The posts in the blog What does this Mean? are now available at What does this Mean? | Rev. Robert E. Smith | Substack
Rev. Jason M. Kaspar
Sole Pastor
Mt. Calvary Lutheran Church & Preschool
La Grange, TX
©2025 Jason Kaspar. All rights reserved. Permission granted to copy, share and display freely for non-commercial purposes. Direct all other rights and permissions inquiries to cosmithb@msn.com.
